i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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