I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
