seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
where does the pee come out of this thing
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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