I think my fart just growled at me.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
