he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
