one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
