Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
