I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
