hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
