Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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