I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
she told me i tasted like america
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
