life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
