Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
