Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
My apartment stinks of burning failure
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
