This dress was meant to end up on your floor
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
