i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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