Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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