The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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