So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
True strength comes from lack of pants
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
