I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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