I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
soo... how was my night?
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