i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
You have to summon your inner elephant
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
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