Best friends brother. Beat that.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
