I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
