ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
