Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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