If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
