Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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