He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
