Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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