she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Randomize
