never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
