I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
He better not be in your backpack
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Randomize
