Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
