She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Randomize
