If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
You're breaking my sexual little heart
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