I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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