the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
