You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Randomize
