I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
