So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
