Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Operation Purity has been aborted
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
