if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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