Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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