hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
