You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
