I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
