drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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