**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
