Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
