So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Randomize
