I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
