Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
