My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Randomize
